Sunday, December 29, 2013

Football. You heard me. Football. Wanna Learn?

Okay, full disclosure, my last boyfriend can only be described as a jock. If there was a ball involved, he was there. He knew how to teach football. He was a Patriots fan, and I have NO reason for being a Patriots fan....until I got familiar with Tom Brady, the incredible Quarterback of the Patriots. Thank you very much.

Besides being eye candy, Brady's also a dedicated family man (it's said) and a wonderful football player. But he doesn't come off like a strutting, cocky star. He's all business and quite modest and does incredible things on the football field.

I asked to be taught something about football. I have always known NOTHING, and cared less about all that tumbling around in the grass and ass patting of men with padded asses, handlng that impossibly shaped ball.

Okay, I didn't learn a lot, but just enough to get me hooked on the damned sport. And if you're one of those women who never cared but thought perhaps you should (for that football addicted man of yours), I'll give you a little crash course.

1. The object of the game is for the team you like to take the ball (carry, kick, pass, throw) to the other end of the field, into "their" end zone (their end of the field. See? It's got their name on it.)

2. How they get there is by having four "downs" -- meaning they have four chances to get the ball to their end zone. If they go 10 yards on a down, they get four more chances. So "first in ten" (remember cheerleading days?) means first down in ten yards. Then you start with another first down. If you don't make 10 yards, (say, only five yards), then the next down is "Second in five." Always trying to cover that 10 yard span. If they haven't made a touchdown, then by the 4th Down, they have to give the ball back to the other team, and THEY try to get four downs to their end zone. Easy, right?

This is a bit simplistic, as there are many more sophisticated nuances to the game and a whole lot of jargon to learn, to say nothing of learning the players' various positions, strategies, and then there's the gamespeak of the tv announcers.

For instance, the quarterback of each team is the Pop Star. He's the one who sort of runs the show and all the other positions rotate around his calls and plays. He's the one who throws the ball to the receivers. He's the one who they protect, the golden arm. If the other team happens to mutilate him in an attack, it's called "sacking" the quarterback. We don't like our quarterbacks sacked. Definitely not the same as getting them IN the sack!

A team of "defensive" players are on the field when the opposing team has the ball. These are different guys than our dapper Brady and his agile team of receivers. The defense are these MASSIVE BRUTES who weigh 300 lbs. and look like the Jewish Golem. Their job is to maim the other team, apparently, within the rules. Otherwise the referees throw flags and penalize golems with prizes of yardage for the opposing team.

Is it violent? Ohhhhh, Yeah, I'd say so.

Is it absorbing? Definitely, once you get into it. It's got an addictive danger to it.

What are the redeeming features? Exciting surprises, outstanding human physical accomplishments, interesting psychological insight into a national phemomena, and then, the next day, you can say to almost anyone: "Hey, how about those Patriots?" (high five)

If you really want to learn all the rules, players, etc. the internet is LOADED with information. This is just a teaser from a lady who likes to learn new stuff. Of course, once I move, I won't have television, but at least I'll have an idea of the standings from the internet.

News Bulletin! The Patriots just beat the Bills to put them in the playoffs for the SuperBowl competition. Go, Pats! ##

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