Thursday, January 8, 2015

Expectations Are the Issue

I was thinking tonight on a book I just purchased (from a good review) but which I haven't received or read yet. It's called "Lonely: Learning to Live with Solitude." I'm not entirely sure what prompted me to order it, because loneliness is NOT one of my problems. I just sit outside myself, as if I was YOU, and I judge the solitary person I've become, the "loose fish" and I wonder if I'm not deluding myself, if I'm not in denial, if there's vast pieces of information or unconsciousness that I've just not absorbed into my waking world. In other words, I don't really yet fully understand, so I keep searching for whole answers. I'll likely die still searching for answers. That's in my DNA.

But while pondering the book, the fear, the questions, I was at the same time exulting in the lightheartedness of my life. There are certain moments, very difficult to describe, when I look around at the very frugal (dismal?) trappings that are my outer life, but the rich and flowing internal life I have sometimes takes me to my knees in tears. Stimulated by art, music, film and literature, I sometimes just lift off this planet altogether. And I wonder if that's true of us all? See, I have NO idea what goes on in the innards of others. When I was young, I thought we were all alike. If I could understand you and your needs, I would understand my own. So I spent a great deal of time on your needs. Silly girl.

What do I have to be so happy about? Well I don't even know where to begin. Animals live with me who are purer and more loving than any people. I adore them. I have my abilities (writing, painting, poetry, good business sense, logic, a good heart) to carry me over many barriers. Others do not all have such gifts. It is a new year and the older I get, the more appreciate how precious and short it all is, even though I have wanted on many occasions to end it. This is not a pep talk, I am trying to get to my deeper self here.

I always think I'm hard on people; I don't much like people; (animals are MUCH nicer, believe me). But the truth is, I'm just more honest about them. Others feel the same or much worse, and lie about it. We are all liars when it comes down to it. But I am more loving and respecful of people than a lot I know. That was a surprise to me. Late in life surprise.

The truth is: I have learned to live with solitude (if you can call this menegerie of cat and dogs solitude~!) and like it. Now I want to read what someone else thinks about it. Lonely? Nah. Not really. Am I aware of what I'm missing? Oh yeah! None of it good. Am I still in my head about romantic fantasies and happy endings? Maybe...just a little...but not a lot. I think I have a lot of courage that most do not. People who are thrust into my situation (due to widowhood or worse) may have a case, but I have no case. I am at choice. I chose aloneness. Not loneliness. I know it's possible for me to be otherwise, but people disappoint. Aloneness doesn't disappoint because one has low expectations of one's self when they're Lucky!

Happiness really IS, I think, ALL about your expectations. ##

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